I love this piece! I've been slowly working on a book called Underparenting, about how not to be an intensive parent, and one of my big principles is to let your kids enjoy the playground without feeling like you need to get on the jungle gym with them. There is a lot of emerging brain research about non-task-based activity that I think validates this idea of not constantly providing external stimulation to your kids and giving them space to think their own thoughts and be creative.
Hi Darby! I'm delighted to see you here! I recognized your name and realized that you wrote the NYT piece last fall on why we should ignore our children more often. (Gift link to the article here for folks reading along: https://www.nytimes.com/2024/09/15/opinion/parenting-helicopter-ignoring.html?unlocked_article_code=1.V08.bZ84.QbKdeZvS2KjB&smid=url-share ) At the time when I read it, I thought: kindred spirit! and shared the article all around. "Mindful underparenting" is such a great phrase. I look forward to learning from you and hope we don't have to wait too long for your book!
I am so guilty of the constant interaction. I have this worry, like one day my son won’t ask me to play monster trucks with him anymore and I’ll be sad about it; or one day will be the last time I push the kids on the swings, etc. so I say yes so often, even though I also am often like, you guys! Play by yourselves! And I think their inability to (or unwillingness to, rather) do much independent play has a lot to do with me interacting with them all the time.
Thanks for this, you are killing it! 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽
Also I can’t find the instructions you gave me for Lynda Barry but I remember the page number and found it and wanted to thank you! So thank you! 🥰
Now just wait--I am not here to add any more mom guilt to your plate! My goal was to release parents from the guilt of feeling that they *should* constantly interact with their kids. If you enjoy playing with them, have at it! AND if you think you'd like them to learn to play more independently, try to help it happen in small windows. Setting my kids up with an audiobook and some toys worked magic--they'd tinker for hours, listening. And I'd get some time to myself! But you are officially not allowed to feel guilty if you don't do this. 😌
Oh you didn’t make me feel guilty!!!! I don’t feel guilty about how much I play with them, I just need breaks 🤠Yes to audiobooks! My kids love them. I love the idea of an audiobook PLUS toys. Genius! Thank you!
It is hard! Try to tease out the difference between what society is telling you and what your gut is telling you and see if it tells you which way to go. 🙂
When my kids, and then my grandkids, were really young, under 5 years of age they sought me out and wanted my interaction and I found that if I met that need life flowed fairly smoothly. It was only a short part of my life and true enough, as they got older (and the grandkids are in that phase now) they simply got busy with whatever it was they're doing and didn't seek me out unless they needed specific help or my company (mostly to chat about what they're doing or experiencing). Some days I miss my little play buddies and look back with nostalgia, but I'm happily busy doing my own stuff, playing with writing.
Yes! I hope I didn’t make it sound like I don’t think we should spend lots of time with young kids. I just want to push back against the rather modern notion that we should be constantly interacting with them. I agree with you—if their needs are met, they naturally spend more and more time on their own. And kids who are given that space often *want* to spend time with their parents and elders. Thanks for sharing your experience!
Amen! My "don't play w/ your kids" article recently went viral again w/ people saying my kids wouldn't visit me in the nursing home and that I sucked--and, I admit, it hurt as well made me enraged. Thanks for bringing it back to the rational! I know I've done something right, though, because my eldest spent hours of travel time drawing amazingly detailed fantasy maps just last week.
If you look at child development research and also human evolution, the playmate role has never been typical for mothers. Kids want to play with other kids because they're wired to learn from play with other kids. I had to reread your article because I love it so much and one of the best parts is when you say about your older two: "play between them has always been a negotiation." That's right! That's what they're supposed to be getting from it--human interaction skills! (It instantly pulls up an image of my older two doing this, my daughter with her hand on her hip saying, "I'll tell you what." 😂)
I didn't play much with my kids either. They learned pretty quick that I was no fun. I would visit the restaurants and museums they made but that was the extent of it. (I was always ordering too many plastic veggies for my meals--no imagination!) But I read to them a ton and hung out with them a ton and as adults they *like* to hang out with me. My oldest is in town and he just asked, "So what are you going to do this afternoon?" because he wants to make a plan with *me.*
They're going to visit us in the nursing home. Maybe they won't even put us in the nursing home. Hmmph!
Thank you so much, Patricia! And I love that your oldest still wants to hang. It's fascinating how people get these intense ideas of "quality time" and consider playing to be the pinnacle of parenting when there are so many other ways to connect and show love and support.
I saw people hating on this article recently on twitter, and it's obvious that none of them got past the headline, because the article is really about how to facilitate creativity and never advocates harmful neglect. Also the people posting about it are clearly not playing with their kids either, because they're too busy dunking on old articles on the internet!
My son is 6 (no siblings) and currently playing in his room as I type. This is a daily ritual (he is home-educated; awake at 6am and used to and enjoys playing independently at this time of day - usually until 9am when I've warmed up and had a coffee etc). I find it's a pretty long stretch of time and he is always creative. I have learned that he does need and benefit from connection with me (he calls it "mama-[child's name]" time) when I'm ready to start the day at 9am and as he is an only child, I find he benefits from having this - and the play usually involves me pretending to be a prisoner who has escaped from jail or role playing in various ways. I find this fun, but it hasn't come naturally to me. I play for about half an hour and he chooses the play, and then we sit down for some structured learning. I do feel that if he had siblings, it would take that "pressure" I feel off me, but it's something I just do instinctively as he seems to benefit so much from it. He does spend one day a week at a forest school with a small group of children and has a weekly playdate with another friend (with learning challenges), and he doesn't get many opportunities to play with other kids at home, so that's where I step in. I do value independent play and see it as healthy - and I have seen the benefits for my son!
I love this. We also homeschooled and my kids had a similar pattern--waking up early and playing independently and with each other for hours before we did anything formal together. (People that don't homeschool who say "how can you be with your kids so much?" don't grasp that our kids tend to be awesome at entertaining themselves; instead of the morning hassle of getting them out the door, we're just letting them play while we drink our tea and read or work out. 😂)
You recognize that your son needs daily playtime; it's generous of you to step into this role since he's an only child, even though it hasn't come naturally to you. And here's my favorite part of what you wrote: "it's something I just do instinctively." Yes! Keep listening to those instincts! You've got this.
I love this piece! I've been slowly working on a book called Underparenting, about how not to be an intensive parent, and one of my big principles is to let your kids enjoy the playground without feeling like you need to get on the jungle gym with them. There is a lot of emerging brain research about non-task-based activity that I think validates this idea of not constantly providing external stimulation to your kids and giving them space to think their own thoughts and be creative.
Hi Darby! I'm delighted to see you here! I recognized your name and realized that you wrote the NYT piece last fall on why we should ignore our children more often. (Gift link to the article here for folks reading along: https://www.nytimes.com/2024/09/15/opinion/parenting-helicopter-ignoring.html?unlocked_article_code=1.V08.bZ84.QbKdeZvS2KjB&smid=url-share ) At the time when I read it, I thought: kindred spirit! and shared the article all around. "Mindful underparenting" is such a great phrase. I look forward to learning from you and hope we don't have to wait too long for your book!
Thank you so much! It's great to be connected with other folks who share this philosophy!
I am so guilty of the constant interaction. I have this worry, like one day my son won’t ask me to play monster trucks with him anymore and I’ll be sad about it; or one day will be the last time I push the kids on the swings, etc. so I say yes so often, even though I also am often like, you guys! Play by yourselves! And I think their inability to (or unwillingness to, rather) do much independent play has a lot to do with me interacting with them all the time.
Thanks for this, you are killing it! 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽
Also I can’t find the instructions you gave me for Lynda Barry but I remember the page number and found it and wanted to thank you! So thank you! 🥰
Now just wait--I am not here to add any more mom guilt to your plate! My goal was to release parents from the guilt of feeling that they *should* constantly interact with their kids. If you enjoy playing with them, have at it! AND if you think you'd like them to learn to play more independently, try to help it happen in small windows. Setting my kids up with an audiobook and some toys worked magic--they'd tinker for hours, listening. And I'd get some time to myself! But you are officially not allowed to feel guilty if you don't do this. 😌
Oh you didn’t make me feel guilty!!!! I don’t feel guilty about how much I play with them, I just need breaks 🤠Yes to audiobooks! My kids love them. I love the idea of an audiobook PLUS toys. Genius! Thank you!
The city-states my kids built with Legos while listening to the Harry Potter books on repeat...
I believe it ⚡️⚡️⚡️
Oh gosh I have those same thoughts and worries. It is hard to find the right balance sometimes!
It is hard! Try to tease out the difference between what society is telling you and what your gut is telling you and see if it tells you which way to go. 🙂
It really is 🫣
When my kids, and then my grandkids, were really young, under 5 years of age they sought me out and wanted my interaction and I found that if I met that need life flowed fairly smoothly. It was only a short part of my life and true enough, as they got older (and the grandkids are in that phase now) they simply got busy with whatever it was they're doing and didn't seek me out unless they needed specific help or my company (mostly to chat about what they're doing or experiencing). Some days I miss my little play buddies and look back with nostalgia, but I'm happily busy doing my own stuff, playing with writing.
Yes! I hope I didn’t make it sound like I don’t think we should spend lots of time with young kids. I just want to push back against the rather modern notion that we should be constantly interacting with them. I agree with you—if their needs are met, they naturally spend more and more time on their own. And kids who are given that space often *want* to spend time with their parents and elders. Thanks for sharing your experience!
Amen! My "don't play w/ your kids" article recently went viral again w/ people saying my kids wouldn't visit me in the nursing home and that I sucked--and, I admit, it hurt as well made me enraged. Thanks for bringing it back to the rational! I know I've done something right, though, because my eldest spent hours of travel time drawing amazingly detailed fantasy maps just last week.
Your "don't play with your kids" article was the first piece I read from you about parenthood and I loved it so much and have shared it all over the place. (Here's a gift link to anyone reading along here: https://www.nytimes.com/2021/06/15/magazine/kids-play.html?unlocked_article_code=1.Vk8.R45A.YVwBWe6VeTzF&smid=url-share )
If you look at child development research and also human evolution, the playmate role has never been typical for mothers. Kids want to play with other kids because they're wired to learn from play with other kids. I had to reread your article because I love it so much and one of the best parts is when you say about your older two: "play between them has always been a negotiation." That's right! That's what they're supposed to be getting from it--human interaction skills! (It instantly pulls up an image of my older two doing this, my daughter with her hand on her hip saying, "I'll tell you what." 😂)
I didn't play much with my kids either. They learned pretty quick that I was no fun. I would visit the restaurants and museums they made but that was the extent of it. (I was always ordering too many plastic veggies for my meals--no imagination!) But I read to them a ton and hung out with them a ton and as adults they *like* to hang out with me. My oldest is in town and he just asked, "So what are you going to do this afternoon?" because he wants to make a plan with *me.*
They're going to visit us in the nursing home. Maybe they won't even put us in the nursing home. Hmmph!
Thank you so much, Patricia! And I love that your oldest still wants to hang. It's fascinating how people get these intense ideas of "quality time" and consider playing to be the pinnacle of parenting when there are so many other ways to connect and show love and support.
Exactly. 😌
I saw people hating on this article recently on twitter, and it's obvious that none of them got past the headline, because the article is really about how to facilitate creativity and never advocates harmful neglect. Also the people posting about it are clearly not playing with their kids either, because they're too busy dunking on old articles on the internet!
Now I'm the one saying amen!
Exactly! Thanks, Darby. xoxo
My son is 6 (no siblings) and currently playing in his room as I type. This is a daily ritual (he is home-educated; awake at 6am and used to and enjoys playing independently at this time of day - usually until 9am when I've warmed up and had a coffee etc). I find it's a pretty long stretch of time and he is always creative. I have learned that he does need and benefit from connection with me (he calls it "mama-[child's name]" time) when I'm ready to start the day at 9am and as he is an only child, I find he benefits from having this - and the play usually involves me pretending to be a prisoner who has escaped from jail or role playing in various ways. I find this fun, but it hasn't come naturally to me. I play for about half an hour and he chooses the play, and then we sit down for some structured learning. I do feel that if he had siblings, it would take that "pressure" I feel off me, but it's something I just do instinctively as he seems to benefit so much from it. He does spend one day a week at a forest school with a small group of children and has a weekly playdate with another friend (with learning challenges), and he doesn't get many opportunities to play with other kids at home, so that's where I step in. I do value independent play and see it as healthy - and I have seen the benefits for my son!
I love this. We also homeschooled and my kids had a similar pattern--waking up early and playing independently and with each other for hours before we did anything formal together. (People that don't homeschool who say "how can you be with your kids so much?" don't grasp that our kids tend to be awesome at entertaining themselves; instead of the morning hassle of getting them out the door, we're just letting them play while we drink our tea and read or work out. 😂)
You recognize that your son needs daily playtime; it's generous of you to step into this role since he's an only child, even though it hasn't come naturally to you. And here's my favorite part of what you wrote: "it's something I just do instinctively." Yes! Keep listening to those instincts! You've got this.