you don't need to constantly interact with your kid
thoughts from an elder Gen Xer
Dear fellow wonderer,
Recently I was at an event, chatting with some younger moms when one said, "My kids are never in their bedrooms alone."
Another mom asked if she was worried about unsupervised screen time.
No, that didn't seem to be the issue. The kids were about seven and ten, I think. The mom simply felt, it seemed, that if the kids weren't at school and she wasn't working, she should be actively interacting with them.
At that point our conversation was interrupted and that was that. But I couldn't stop thinking about what she said.
I know, through the research I'm doing for my book, that weekly hours of active parental interaction are way up, have been heading increasingly up since the mid-'90s. Just yesterday, as I was writing this post, author Elissa Strauss shared two graphs on Substack, courtesy of a post written by Derek Thompson on "The Death of Partying in the U.S.A.--and Why it Matters." (Tangentially related to the topic at hand--and fascinating!)
And those graphs end in 2005! You'll have to trust me when I say that the hours have only increased in the past twenty years.
Still, that mom's comment surprised me. She seemed like a mellow person--not uptight or overbearing in any way. Did she really think she needed to be interacting with her kids constantly?
It reminded me of something I wrote in my journal, way back in 1996. I was thinking about H, who was four, and his sister, almost one. I'd been perusing the idea of homeschooling, reading John Taylor Gatto. I wrote, "This confirms so much of what I've innately believed or simply sensed for so long. Especially the notion that children need time on their own to just be, to think, to figure things out. H's whole little life I've allowed him lots of time on his own; in fact, I've often felt guilty about it. Should I be doing more, interacting more? But he's always been so curious, so motivated, that I could see no reason to stop him. And L. now is already curious too, occupying herself happily for lengths of time." (And then I got interrupted, mid-sentence. lol.)
There's so much to tease out here. Something was making me feel guilty that I should be doing more--this was 1996, remember, just as that graph above was spiking up. I don't remember where I was getting that doing more, interacting more message at the time. Maybe from parenting magazines? Still, there was so much less noise for parents back then. Yes, there were five times more parenting books in 1997 than there had been in 1975, but the internet wasn't yet hounding us. There was no BabyCenter trying to get me to click on their "experts" so I'd buy their stuff; there were no mommy bloggers--hate that term--or momfluencers. (Check out my video below for details on how this all amped up.)
So much less noise allowed me to hear what I innately believed or simply sensed--my intuition! I could hear my intuition. I could make decisions based on watching my kids and letting my gut tell me what to do.
I fear this has gotten so much harder for parents these days. I'm not judging that mom for thinking she needs to be constantly interacting with her kids--that message is being hammered at parents from multiple angles. But I feel for her, and for her kids. Constant interaction doesn't serve anyone, no matter how loving our intentions.
I chewed on these ideas this month and made a slew of videos, including one in which I admit to still falling into the constant momming trap, even as the mother of grown kids! The ensuing conversations have been interesting.
Which led me to what I'll be gnawing on next month: how time away from kids can be beneficial for everyone in the family.
xo,
Patricia
what we chatted about this month:
I'm experimenting with a new format here. I really want to build an engaged community with this newsletter, but I find more discussion happens on what I call "the scrolly apps." We only have so much attention for long-form deep dives and I think most folks spend more time taking in information in those other spaces. So I'm trying out blending the two! I'm delving into a single monthly topic on the scrolly apps and then collecting it here and sharing what the community has to say. Please add to the conversation in the comments!
My initial video on this topic looked at the above conversation--and also considered how my own experience as an older Gen Xer might factor into my thoughts. One viewer called this tendency for constant parental interaction cruise directing. Another commented: I loved having my own time. I would feel smothered if I had to interact with my parents during mutual down time as a kid--which made me try to imagine my own '70s childhood with my parents constantly interacting with me. It's so at odds to my actual childhood experience--I can't fathom it!
Another parent wrote: I am actively training them to play independently. 😂 I also see a lot of judgment happening regarding the conversation about not sitting on the sidelines at the playground & getting up to play with your kids. Which led to my next video...
Again, I was surprised at this take: parents judging other parents for not playing with their kids at the playground! I chatted about what playgrounds have historically been designed for--places for kids to play with other kids. One parent said, They have so much more imagination without me interrupting them. Yes! (See the John Holt quote I share in video #1.) And this comment cracked me up: yeah I sit on my ass for about 98% of the time we are at the playground. they have me and teachers and adults telling them no and fussing over them enough. the playground is time for my kids to just BE.
Amen to that, sister!
Next, I dug into what I've been learning about why parents feel they should be constantly interacting with their kids, based on research spanning the past thirty years and the patterns I'm seeing. To bring it all back to the '90s, I had fun aping the style of Pop-Up Videos. This one didn't get as much conversation--yet!--but one viewer told me they loved me and the iconic Leigh Stein wrote: someone give this woman a book deal so maybe I'm doing something right.
And then there's the story of my own recent constant momming, though I'm old enough to know better. This one got a lot of surprising conversation on Instagram, from fellow moms my age, commiserating and admitting that they still do the same. I do it all the time and Very accurate! and Totally relate and Omg! I had the same experience at my older daughter's college graduation in May!
We're well-intentioned and hopeless.
And then one more on why kids need time alone to form their own weird interests--including divulgements of what I secretly did as a kid. I bring in a Dan Pink video called 7 Smarter Questions to Help You Find Direction. One of those questions: What made you weird as a kid? It's so good. Viewers shared their own weird childhood interests: Historical tragedies and ship manifests and animal encyclopedias and warring societal factions of marbles and...
some links, related or simply too good to miss:
On the theme of weird play people did as kids, this Instagram reel asks viewers to share on this very topic and the comments are a hoot. Sorceress Barbie and stripper play and lots and lots of orphans...
Though I despise the term "kid rotting"--I'd call it composting!--this New York Times (gift) article is interesting, on parents who are exploring alternatives to expensive summer activities for their kids. (Back in the day, my homeschooling friends often exchanged kid care during the summer. Or one parent would organize an activity for a group of kids, no other parents needed.)
I'm loving the newish Be A Happier Parent podcast. So many inspiring guests--Ruth Whippman! Lucy Jones! Nancy Reddy!--and it's refreshing to hear author interviews on parenthood facilitated by a dad. I've heard many of these authors in other interviews; Alex Trippier gets them talking differently. On theme: Elissa Strauss discussing how we’re such an outcome-oriented culture—which is really at odds with parenthood. “There’s so much unlearning that has to happen.” Yes!
If the kids in your life might like some summer inspiration, Sarah at Can We Read has a whole list of kids' books about imagination--and her suggestions are always solid. Give her a follow!
The '90s as a parenting era to emulate is a thing and I'm a fan: "I’m Parenting My Kids Like It’s the ‘90s—Here’s How"
I devoured Amanda Hess' memoir Second Life about having a child in the digital age. It's smart, funny, heart-wrenching, and somewhat terrifying in what it reveals about the internet's impact on motherhood—it ties to everything I’m writing about here. I've recommended it to fellow older mother friends, to help them grasp how difficult motherhood has become.
That’s me in full mom mode in 2008, the year I started my blog and stopped linking books there to Amazon. That’s right: I’VE BEEN RESISTING THIS MACHINE FOR ALMOST SEVENTEEN YEARS! You can get a free e-book copy of How to Resist Amazon and Why by Denny Caine at Bookshop.org though July 11. Do it!
I love this piece! I've been slowly working on a book called Underparenting, about how not to be an intensive parent, and one of my big principles is to let your kids enjoy the playground without feeling like you need to get on the jungle gym with them. There is a lot of emerging brain research about non-task-based activity that I think validates this idea of not constantly providing external stimulation to your kids and giving them space to think their own thoughts and be creative.
I am so guilty of the constant interaction. I have this worry, like one day my son won’t ask me to play monster trucks with him anymore and I’ll be sad about it; or one day will be the last time I push the kids on the swings, etc. so I say yes so often, even though I also am often like, you guys! Play by yourselves! And I think their inability to (or unwillingness to, rather) do much independent play has a lot to do with me interacting with them all the time.
Thanks for this, you are killing it! 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽
Also I can’t find the instructions you gave me for Lynda Barry but I remember the page number and found it and wanted to thank you! So thank you! 🥰