Holy wow this hits so hard. I remember devouring that Sears book, too. I bought into it all -- the Seven Bs, the attachment parenting. I thought it was freeing me to cut a path that diverged from the one our parents followed.
In many ways, it was: I have no regrets about much of it. I did feel empowered to pick up a crying baby (when the popular wisdom was to let them cry it out). I don't have regrets about being more in tune with their needs. I'm glad I breastfeed (itself revolutionary, at least in my extended family).
But at the same time, there was a toxicity and shame attached to it: You're either doing the 7Bs, or you're raising a psychopath. Your own happiness and needs come second or else you're selfish.
Also, that Over the Shoulder Baby Holder gave me permanent back issues that persist today. That metaphor writes itself, doesn't it?
Eventually I learned to take what works for me... and leave the rest. We're all just doing the best we can.
"You're either doing the 7Bs, or you're raising a psychopath." Haha, exactly this! That's the inflexible judginess that infuriates me and rubbed me the wrong way, even back then.
"Your own happiness and needs come second or else you're selfish." And this is really the underbelly of it all. So many mothers--based on those I've talked to and read about over the years--internalized this. I know it affected me, even if I didn't buy into all of it.
I just think there are better ways of presenting *options* to parents without making them feel guilty about the choices they make. But formulas seem to be what sells. sigh.
First I want to say thank you for culling so much information and making clear the swirling information that slipped in to my brain as a young mother in the early 90s, right along side you! Parenting books with an added dash of Martha Stewart really had me running to achieve that pinnacle of perfection in the eyes of others. The truth for us was that we did what we could with limited resources and energy. Honestly, being parents of twins was enough to only skim ideas and go with my gut, but we were swimming in the miasma expectation based on all the books you mentioned.
This is such a worthy conversation and one needing time and space. Now I find myself in the grandparent role. After reading what you have said, it’s funny, in reflection, I have only said to our daughter, “You are doing great, trust yourself, these kids are all they need to be” Our only hope is that they choose what they want for their family and we are the lucky ones supporting them emotionally. it’s been amazing to relive little children though our children. Let’s keep talking! Thank you!
It was a miasma! You're right about twins--it must have forced you to just go with your gut. You didn't have time to overthink things.
And it's even more of a miasma now. I worry so much about young parents. I hope you realize what a gift you're giving your own kids by telling them to trust themselves as parents and that they're doing great. It's a message that society--"experts," influencers, media--isn't giving them. And it's exactly what they need to hear. But you've always been an intuitive mom. <3
What memories the article and comments above brought back to me. I was one of those parents who had 7 younger brothers and sisters so I didn’t read any parenting books - why would I when my firstborn was only about 11 years younger than his uncle who lived down the street, lol, and I felt like I had helped raise him and several other siblings?
But I *had* heard about the books you mentioned as a teacher in the early childhood field. Parents of the two year olds in my classroom would talk about Your One Year Old, Your Two Year Old and then how unhelpful Your Three Year Old suddenly was…I asked if the author had kids of their own and was that person of the same generation (can’t recall the answers) as there were other books too that the parents also quoted/questioned. I always told them to trust their instincts but the community I worked in liked trusting the experts because maybe they regarded themselves as experts in other areas?
By the time my own kids started to arrive I was a nanny instead of a teacher in my small hometown an hour away from where I’d been working (“you’ll send the parents the wrong message if you reduce your hours or your position as Toddler Director/Lead Teacher” so I quit).
Fast forward three years to kid #2…
I had four or five slings by the time my second kid was 4 months because #2 child loved to be carried everywhere and #1 child hated strollers and at age 2 was soooo quick to run. I found out about slings from moms at the parks. I didn’t really know about attachment parenting or truly even about homeschoolers until my oldest was going to be in kindergarten and we felt he’d not be appreciated for his independent streak - the conversation about homeschooling started with me joking it would be cheaper to homeschool than send our son to a school we thought he might thrive at. My kids were breastfeed because it was easy and no bottles because they were more stubborn than I was so they won that battle (plus we had no money for a sitter so we didn’t need them to get used to bottles). I didn’t realize there was a name for what I was doing.
Beginning to homeschool and all that followed is another chapter - it was there I heard about attachment parenting and how terrible pacifiers were, etc and how many parents questioned their instincts - yet to be an effective homeschooling parent you really must trust your instincts and be ready to buck authority and conventional wisdom. Or maybe not nowadays, but you did 30 years ago….
I love reading your story, Cathy. It really is a snapshot of how mothers used to learn how to be mothers--by growing up in a family or community with small children and learning to care for them, and by learning from fellow mothers. And by just doing what made financial and logical sense! That's how people have learned to be parents from the dawn of time. And then that shift came...
I think this insight of yours says a lot: " I always told them to trust their instincts but the community I worked in liked trusting the experts because maybe they regarded themselves as experts in other areas?" Yes. This was the shift toward the "professionalization" of motherhood. Which, I believe, was very much driven by those "experts."
I absolutely agree with this: "to be an effective homeschooling parent you really must trust your instincts and be ready to buck authority and conventional wisdom." That was my experience too, and I think it gave me a different lens on parenthood that didn't match up with what I was seeing around me. Which is what my manuscript-in-process is all about. I don't believe that everyone should homeschool--it's just that homeschooling gave me a different perspective. And it's been interesting to look back at my own motherhood to see when I bucked against the culture, and when I went right along with it.
I took everything with a grain of salt, used what worked for me, & ditched ideas that didn't. I really loved attachment parenting. It was precious time well spent and invested, and helped me with my postpartum depression.
You've always been good about finding your own way. The funny thing about attachment parenting is that the aspects of it that resonated with me were things I'd already figured out on my own with H, without reading about it. (Except for the sling--that was new to me with L.) I do think there's a lot of potential good in attachment parenting. *And* I've talked to a lot of moms over the years who felt pressured and guilted by not being able to live up to it. We should all feel free to ditch what we don't like.
The last thing new moms need (& all moms for that matter) is to feel any outside pressure about how to raise their kids when the entire experience is always a constant adjusting. Adjusting to being a mom, adjusting to the ever changing growth of your baby/child. Just when you think you've figured it out, they change. Moms need comfort and support (what would be a mother's nunny?!) so that they can comfort and support their babies.
It's frustrating that the parenting books seem so black & white with their advice. And come to think of it, the world is so polarized right now. Why can't we just have a book of suggestions? Try this, try that, or how about some validation, but not "do this and don't do that." That's why I loved mom's groups for tips, support, and guidance. No judgment. Let's ask more questions and try and understand one another.
I always appreciated hearing other moms' raw experiences of parenting, too. Like Anne Lamott's. She helped normalize my struggles and helped me understand that I wasn't alone. I wasn't "bad" and I wasn't "good." My journey was universal, a shared experience.
So, my dear friend, I excitedly await to read about your stories of motherhood because I predict it will be another space where I will feel held. It will be interesting to learn about your research, too, and how it affected your own development as a mom, and to also discover how I was affected, too. I appreciate all of your hard work in helping us understand how we got to this moment. Thank you for creating a holding environment. (now let's talk about Object Relations!)
My mother's nunny was my friends--like you! I wish we'd been friends when my first two kids were little, though you didn't have kids then! You would have been so reassuring, as you are. <3
A trend that seems to be happening today is that a lot of young moms don't have reliable communities where they can relax and feel vulnerable. That's needed so much more than books and "experts"! And that lack is compounding the intuition problem.
I felt so lucky to find our homeschooling community. Once I felt comfortable there, my intuitive voice grew stronger and stronger.
And yes, Anne Lamott! She was my gal. She really started a movement when it came to honest writing about motherhood.
Thank you for appreciating me, my friend, as always. I really hope we can help make motherhood less fraught and more meaningful for the moms coming up.
This is fascinating and I would love to talk about this the next time I see you. Hopefully soon! This just brought up so many tangentially related topics in my mind that could spin off in infinite directions. It would make for a lively discussion among our homeschool friends for sure!
It's so funny, Liz, because my first memories of you are when you came to our planning meetings with A. in a plaid sling! (The plaidness is burned in my mind somehow--ha!) I agree: it would be *really* fun to talk about this now. We'd have a lot of perspective after all these years.
I didn't know about attachment parenting until I started homeschooling my then-5 year old. I guess I was lucky that most of my friends were made through work and the classical music world and they were older. No one shamed me. But once I started seeing how they did it, attachment parenting seemed to have some issues. I liked that they cuddled their babies a lot—I had done that just because it was wonderful (and I had one who cried every time I put him down...). But then I heard a speaker at a homeschool conference say that people who wore their babies facing out in Baby Bjorns were "abusive"! One of my babies just loved facing out. When she said that, I literally got up and walked out (which one of my parent friends noticed and did attempt to shame me for). I also noticed that a lot of the parents seemed to let their kids run wild, but not in a good way. It's not that they wanted their kids to be independent. It seemed didn't ever want to traumatize their kids by implying their was good and bad behavior. When I asked one of the moms who I felt was a bit more receptive to critical thinking, she responded, "A lot of people seem to mistakenly think that practicing attachment parenting means never saying no." It is interesting to watch these kids grow up. Of course, humans are incredibly complex and you can't attribute all outcomes to a specific parenting method, but let's just say that I'm happy that I responded to my kids' needs, but also afforded them reasonable independence and demanded a certain level of appropriate behavior.
Suki, I love that you walked out on that speaker--good for you! It's always really bugged me when "experts" who supposedly come from a progressive perspective turn out to be entirely judgmental of other approaches. How about learning from other people, and learning from the kids themselves, right?
Exactly. I had a very specific memory in mind when I walked out. My husband and I are huge fans of our local Open Studios, so the year our first one was born we took him along. He was in the Bjorn facing out, as he always liked to be. He seemed mildly interested in some of the art. But then I walked up in front of an encaustic piece which had bits of newspapers embedded in it. He started kicking his legs in joy and saying, "datz!" (which we took to literally mean "that" but he used as an expression to mean, "Wow, that's so cool!"). How could my wearing him facing out have been "abuse"? That beloved parenting "expert" was an idiot.
I love that very specific memory. The fact that you remember it all so clearly only proves that the moment made an impact on you. To which I say: datz!
Holy wow this hits so hard. I remember devouring that Sears book, too. I bought into it all -- the Seven Bs, the attachment parenting. I thought it was freeing me to cut a path that diverged from the one our parents followed.
In many ways, it was: I have no regrets about much of it. I did feel empowered to pick up a crying baby (when the popular wisdom was to let them cry it out). I don't have regrets about being more in tune with their needs. I'm glad I breastfeed (itself revolutionary, at least in my extended family).
But at the same time, there was a toxicity and shame attached to it: You're either doing the 7Bs, or you're raising a psychopath. Your own happiness and needs come second or else you're selfish.
Also, that Over the Shoulder Baby Holder gave me permanent back issues that persist today. That metaphor writes itself, doesn't it?
Eventually I learned to take what works for me... and leave the rest. We're all just doing the best we can.
So... yeah. This hits. Thanks, Patricia.
"You're either doing the 7Bs, or you're raising a psychopath." Haha, exactly this! That's the inflexible judginess that infuriates me and rubbed me the wrong way, even back then.
"Your own happiness and needs come second or else you're selfish." And this is really the underbelly of it all. So many mothers--based on those I've talked to and read about over the years--internalized this. I know it affected me, even if I didn't buy into all of it.
I just think there are better ways of presenting *options* to parents without making them feel guilty about the choices they make. But formulas seem to be what sells. sigh.
100% agree. Nuance doesn't sell, unfortunately. In any realm.
First I want to say thank you for culling so much information and making clear the swirling information that slipped in to my brain as a young mother in the early 90s, right along side you! Parenting books with an added dash of Martha Stewart really had me running to achieve that pinnacle of perfection in the eyes of others. The truth for us was that we did what we could with limited resources and energy. Honestly, being parents of twins was enough to only skim ideas and go with my gut, but we were swimming in the miasma expectation based on all the books you mentioned.
This is such a worthy conversation and one needing time and space. Now I find myself in the grandparent role. After reading what you have said, it’s funny, in reflection, I have only said to our daughter, “You are doing great, trust yourself, these kids are all they need to be” Our only hope is that they choose what they want for their family and we are the lucky ones supporting them emotionally. it’s been amazing to relive little children though our children. Let’s keep talking! Thank you!
It was a miasma! You're right about twins--it must have forced you to just go with your gut. You didn't have time to overthink things.
And it's even more of a miasma now. I worry so much about young parents. I hope you realize what a gift you're giving your own kids by telling them to trust themselves as parents and that they're doing great. It's a message that society--"experts," influencers, media--isn't giving them. And it's exactly what they need to hear. But you've always been an intuitive mom. <3
What memories the article and comments above brought back to me. I was one of those parents who had 7 younger brothers and sisters so I didn’t read any parenting books - why would I when my firstborn was only about 11 years younger than his uncle who lived down the street, lol, and I felt like I had helped raise him and several other siblings?
But I *had* heard about the books you mentioned as a teacher in the early childhood field. Parents of the two year olds in my classroom would talk about Your One Year Old, Your Two Year Old and then how unhelpful Your Three Year Old suddenly was…I asked if the author had kids of their own and was that person of the same generation (can’t recall the answers) as there were other books too that the parents also quoted/questioned. I always told them to trust their instincts but the community I worked in liked trusting the experts because maybe they regarded themselves as experts in other areas?
By the time my own kids started to arrive I was a nanny instead of a teacher in my small hometown an hour away from where I’d been working (“you’ll send the parents the wrong message if you reduce your hours or your position as Toddler Director/Lead Teacher” so I quit).
Fast forward three years to kid #2…
I had four or five slings by the time my second kid was 4 months because #2 child loved to be carried everywhere and #1 child hated strollers and at age 2 was soooo quick to run. I found out about slings from moms at the parks. I didn’t really know about attachment parenting or truly even about homeschoolers until my oldest was going to be in kindergarten and we felt he’d not be appreciated for his independent streak - the conversation about homeschooling started with me joking it would be cheaper to homeschool than send our son to a school we thought he might thrive at. My kids were breastfeed because it was easy and no bottles because they were more stubborn than I was so they won that battle (plus we had no money for a sitter so we didn’t need them to get used to bottles). I didn’t realize there was a name for what I was doing.
Beginning to homeschool and all that followed is another chapter - it was there I heard about attachment parenting and how terrible pacifiers were, etc and how many parents questioned their instincts - yet to be an effective homeschooling parent you really must trust your instincts and be ready to buck authority and conventional wisdom. Or maybe not nowadays, but you did 30 years ago….
I love reading your story, Cathy. It really is a snapshot of how mothers used to learn how to be mothers--by growing up in a family or community with small children and learning to care for them, and by learning from fellow mothers. And by just doing what made financial and logical sense! That's how people have learned to be parents from the dawn of time. And then that shift came...
I think this insight of yours says a lot: " I always told them to trust their instincts but the community I worked in liked trusting the experts because maybe they regarded themselves as experts in other areas?" Yes. This was the shift toward the "professionalization" of motherhood. Which, I believe, was very much driven by those "experts."
I absolutely agree with this: "to be an effective homeschooling parent you really must trust your instincts and be ready to buck authority and conventional wisdom." That was my experience too, and I think it gave me a different lens on parenthood that didn't match up with what I was seeing around me. Which is what my manuscript-in-process is all about. I don't believe that everyone should homeschool--it's just that homeschooling gave me a different perspective. And it's been interesting to look back at my own motherhood to see when I bucked against the culture, and when I went right along with it.
Thank you for sharing this!
I took everything with a grain of salt, used what worked for me, & ditched ideas that didn't. I really loved attachment parenting. It was precious time well spent and invested, and helped me with my postpartum depression.
You've always been good about finding your own way. The funny thing about attachment parenting is that the aspects of it that resonated with me were things I'd already figured out on my own with H, without reading about it. (Except for the sling--that was new to me with L.) I do think there's a lot of potential good in attachment parenting. *And* I've talked to a lot of moms over the years who felt pressured and guilted by not being able to live up to it. We should all feel free to ditch what we don't like.
The last thing new moms need (& all moms for that matter) is to feel any outside pressure about how to raise their kids when the entire experience is always a constant adjusting. Adjusting to being a mom, adjusting to the ever changing growth of your baby/child. Just when you think you've figured it out, they change. Moms need comfort and support (what would be a mother's nunny?!) so that they can comfort and support their babies.
It's frustrating that the parenting books seem so black & white with their advice. And come to think of it, the world is so polarized right now. Why can't we just have a book of suggestions? Try this, try that, or how about some validation, but not "do this and don't do that." That's why I loved mom's groups for tips, support, and guidance. No judgment. Let's ask more questions and try and understand one another.
I always appreciated hearing other moms' raw experiences of parenting, too. Like Anne Lamott's. She helped normalize my struggles and helped me understand that I wasn't alone. I wasn't "bad" and I wasn't "good." My journey was universal, a shared experience.
So, my dear friend, I excitedly await to read about your stories of motherhood because I predict it will be another space where I will feel held. It will be interesting to learn about your research, too, and how it affected your own development as a mom, and to also discover how I was affected, too. I appreciate all of your hard work in helping us understand how we got to this moment. Thank you for creating a holding environment. (now let's talk about Object Relations!)
My mother's nunny was my friends--like you! I wish we'd been friends when my first two kids were little, though you didn't have kids then! You would have been so reassuring, as you are. <3
A trend that seems to be happening today is that a lot of young moms don't have reliable communities where they can relax and feel vulnerable. That's needed so much more than books and "experts"! And that lack is compounding the intuition problem.
I felt so lucky to find our homeschooling community. Once I felt comfortable there, my intuitive voice grew stronger and stronger.
And yes, Anne Lamott! She was my gal. She really started a movement when it came to honest writing about motherhood.
Thank you for appreciating me, my friend, as always. I really hope we can help make motherhood less fraught and more meaningful for the moms coming up.
This is fascinating and I would love to talk about this the next time I see you. Hopefully soon! This just brought up so many tangentially related topics in my mind that could spin off in infinite directions. It would make for a lively discussion among our homeschool friends for sure!
It's so funny, Liz, because my first memories of you are when you came to our planning meetings with A. in a plaid sling! (The plaidness is burned in my mind somehow--ha!) I agree: it would be *really* fun to talk about this now. We'd have a lot of perspective after all these years.
I didn't know about attachment parenting until I started homeschooling my then-5 year old. I guess I was lucky that most of my friends were made through work and the classical music world and they were older. No one shamed me. But once I started seeing how they did it, attachment parenting seemed to have some issues. I liked that they cuddled their babies a lot—I had done that just because it was wonderful (and I had one who cried every time I put him down...). But then I heard a speaker at a homeschool conference say that people who wore their babies facing out in Baby Bjorns were "abusive"! One of my babies just loved facing out. When she said that, I literally got up and walked out (which one of my parent friends noticed and did attempt to shame me for). I also noticed that a lot of the parents seemed to let their kids run wild, but not in a good way. It's not that they wanted their kids to be independent. It seemed didn't ever want to traumatize their kids by implying their was good and bad behavior. When I asked one of the moms who I felt was a bit more receptive to critical thinking, she responded, "A lot of people seem to mistakenly think that practicing attachment parenting means never saying no." It is interesting to watch these kids grow up. Of course, humans are incredibly complex and you can't attribute all outcomes to a specific parenting method, but let's just say that I'm happy that I responded to my kids' needs, but also afforded them reasonable independence and demanded a certain level of appropriate behavior.
Suki, I love that you walked out on that speaker--good for you! It's always really bugged me when "experts" who supposedly come from a progressive perspective turn out to be entirely judgmental of other approaches. How about learning from other people, and learning from the kids themselves, right?
Exactly. I had a very specific memory in mind when I walked out. My husband and I are huge fans of our local Open Studios, so the year our first one was born we took him along. He was in the Bjorn facing out, as he always liked to be. He seemed mildly interested in some of the art. But then I walked up in front of an encaustic piece which had bits of newspapers embedded in it. He started kicking his legs in joy and saying, "datz!" (which we took to literally mean "that" but he used as an expression to mean, "Wow, that's so cool!"). How could my wearing him facing out have been "abuse"? That beloved parenting "expert" was an idiot.
I love that very specific memory. The fact that you remember it all so clearly only proves that the moment made an impact on you. To which I say: datz!